Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1997
Dearest
John:
I
went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I
couldn’t have been more surprised.
With
deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes
McHolstein
69
Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1997
Dearest
John:
Today
the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves.
I’m just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Avenue, Colorado
December 16, 1997
Dearest
John:
Oh!
Aren’t you the extravagant one.
Now I really must protest. I
don’t deserve
such generosity, three French hens. They
are just darling but I must insist, you’ve
been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17. 1997
Dear
John:
Today
the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful but don’t
you think enough is enough. You’re
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1997
Dearest
John:
What
a surprise. Today the postman
delivered 5 golden rings: one for every finger.
You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1997
Dear John:
When
I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front step.
So, you’re back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge. Where
will I
ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can’t sleep through the
racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1997
Dear John:
What’s
with you and these fucking birds? 7
swans a-swimming. What kind of
God damned joke is this? There’s
bird shit all over the house, and they never stop
with the racket. I can’t sleep
at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s
not funny.
So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1997
O.K. Buster:
I
think I prefer the birds. What
the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking?
It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their
God Damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in
my own house.
Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1997
Hey!
Shithead,
What
are you doing? Some kind of
sadist? Now there’s 9 pipers
playing. And Christ
do they play. They’ve never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning.
The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those
screeching
birds.
What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You’ll get yours,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1997
You Rotten Prick:
Now
there’s 10 ladies dancing. I
don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.
They’ve
been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the
diarrhea. My living room is a
river of shit. The Commissioner
of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned
I’m sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1997
Listen!
Fuckhead,
What’s
with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those
broads will never walk again. Those
pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All
23 of the birds are dead. They’ve
been
trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes